A Crown of Beauty.

As most of you know, the last five months have been life altering for me.  On May 26th of 2011 I went blind in both eyes over a period of a day and a half.  Waking up to darkness the morning of May 27th was a moment that has forever changed my perspective.  The anxiety was overwhelming and I've never faced fear on such an intense level.  I was rushed into an ophthalmologist who was stunned by my condition and nervously fluttered around his office gathering up his staff and nervously examining me.  This didn't bring me any comfort and as I sat in darkness the tears poured and like any child of God, I asked God to be near me, to heal me, bring me to restoration.  I was given a steroid drip the following morning to reduce the swelling in my optic nerves and the paper work was rushed to test me on anything slightly related to optic neuritis (swelling of the optic nerve).  The pupil of my left eye was as big as my iris and my 6 year old son and I were calling it my 'shark eye' to make light of the situation.  I'm sure I looked scary to my loved ones and let's just say, a scary eye contact wouldn't have been necessary if it was Halloween but it wasn't, it was Spring and I was missing out on seeing the bloom of flowers!  I've always felt like I'm a compassionate soul, but I have never understood it to the depth that I do now.  Of course I've prayed for people who are deaf, blind and sick before but now I am moved to understand just how much it means to lack in these areas and most of all, have absolute NO control of the situation.    


Just two weeks after steroid treatments a healing team came over and prayed for me, this is when my right eye began to heal at a great speed and when I went in the following day to the Doctor he was excited to see the improvement because he stated in his paperwork that he had little hope I would ever regain my sight at all.  Some days I cry over the permenant loss of sight in my left eye but other days I rejoice that I have one eye at 90%.  Yes, this is our human nature, isn't it? We are creatures of emotion and every moment plays out differently.  One moment victorious, 5 minutes later-defeat.  Never once have I been angry with God, somehow I know he is using this to deepen the character lines in the depth of my soul, making the essence of who I am even richer and ever greater.  Just the week before I lost my sight I went up to my favorite spot on Mount Lemon and cried out to God.  I wrote a letter and released it into the wind.  What that letter entails is intimate and only the Lord holds its thoughts.  I poured out heart and tears.  When I released it I told God that I didn't want to waste my life wandering, I wanted it to count for something, that I didn't want to live selfishly, but I wanted my life to be used in whatever way that would change people, heal people.  Now that I say this, I feel like the scripture in Isaiah 61:3 is brought to life...'the spirit of the Lord is upon me, he has anointed me to bind up the brokenhearted.'  Am I saying God caused this?  I will never point my finger and blame God, but I do believe he allows these very painful things to produce in us understanding of his great compassion.  Honestly,  I don't know that I truly had the level of compassion to bind up those that were broken hearted before this incident.   I was blind, but now I see.  YES, that's it!  Just as that song was written by a once slave trader, when his spiritual eyes were opened, HE saw and changed the course of action in his life.   Perhaps, when we face pain in life, instead of staying in the midst of sorrow-letting our lives remain 'stuck', we should allow it to put us on a new course and embrace our Crown of Beauty 'to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning....' This is the moment we receive our crown, in our lowly and broken times.   When Jesus was broken and mutilated he wore a crown.  Although it was a crown of mockery, in his eyes was it his crown in exchange for the ashes of his brokenness and sacrifice for our lives.   I believe many of us are wounded, disappointed, hurt, betrayed and therefore we are angry, become numb, lose hope, abandon our crowns and accept ashes.  This is not God's plan.  He does not wish that his children suffer but I think I was blinded for a time to be made to see in a spiritual aspect that the crown was waiting for me amongst the ashes of my life the whole time but I couldn't see it until NOW, until suffering and loss.  


Throughout this journey i have learned a lot, received prophetic words, and have tried as best as possible to hold my head up high and let this better my life and not rob me of living, breathing and feeling. In conclusion God has directed my steps in such perfect order.  Through people I hardly know, I was directed to a top Neuro/Optho specialist who was intrigued with my story and got me in within weeks when the facility is booked 6 months out.   Then, when insurance denied me a generous woman payed the doctor's visit.  This specialist and 4 of her residents examined me, MRI's, spinal tap fluid, blood work, numerous eye tests and within 5 hours they pieced together what caused this to happen to me.  In the great southwest we have been somewhat plagued with kissing bugs who carry numerous virus' and diseases.  In fact, the feed on pack rats who cary disgusting diseases.  Over a period of a month and a half I was bitten about 12-15x, each time leaving softball sized pockets of swelling all over my arms and face.  They are attracted to the carbonmonoxide we breath while sleeping and particularly like the pheromones women release.  These little suckers fly and all it takes is having one hide out in your house and they come out at night like blood sucking vampires.   The doctor said the reason I was feeling dizzy and fatigued was because my body was being attacked virally and with each bite, I became more viral.  In some cases people have died from these insects but in my case she explained that I am so healthy my body went into overdrive and my immune system went into attack mode to rid me of the virus' and therefore, pulling blood away from the central nerves in my eyes causing the optic swelling and by the time the doctor's discovered it, it was too late and the swelling squeezed my nerve to death in my left eye.  However, I rejoice because I could've died.  Let me level the scales: death, or waking up to kiss my children with one less eye! Hahaha....   And the cool thing is that my case is going to be written up in a medical journal, so I am happy that this will help others as I felt crazy at times for following my gut instinct that kissing bugs caused my eye loss.  God directed every step and now it will be a reference for doctors and patients to follow in cases similar to mine.


All this to say that maybe hope is born of suffering.  For me, hope remains.  He is the potter who can fix me, whether it be emotionally or physically, he will restore me and he will restore you!  






Isaiah 61
 ¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.
 ⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
   and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
   that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
   foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the LORD,
   you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
   and in their riches you will boast.
 ⁷ Instead of your shame
   you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
   you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
   and everlasting joy will be yours.
 ⁸ “For I, the LORD, love justice;
   I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
   and make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
   and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
   that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”
 ¹⁰ I delight greatly in the LORD;
   my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
   and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
   and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
   and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
   and praise spring up before all nations.